


One Must Consider At Length All Possibilities

by SkuldTheNorn



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Awkwardness, Consent is Sexy, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, F/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Psychological Trauma, Social Awkwardness, let's just ignore everything beyond 1x07
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-02-06 08:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12813270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkuldTheNorn/pseuds/SkuldTheNorn
Summary: Michael Burnham is rattled. Michael Burnham, of course, does not like to be rattled. But what is one to do?A late-night encounter, a few awkward talks and a resolution later, Michael Burnham should be way too busy to still be rattled. Yet, she cannot help but think that maybe that is just the effect one Ash Tyler has on her. And the reasons behind it all are much too interesting to not be investigated.





	1. Chapter One

Finding sleep was an endeavour most illogically difficult these days. Michael Burnham was lying on her cot, eyes closed in an almost childish attempt at forcing the issue. She knew she was not going to succeed, she was too preoccupied.

Tilly seemed to have an ability to sleep wherever she laid her head, and currently she was lightly snoring away on the other side of the room. Michael had once been able to do that too. But then, Michael had once had enough of an emotional equilibrium to meditate.

Loss of sleep was not an unusual side effect of emotional upheaval. She knew, because she had researched it, in a database on human psychology. Technically, because Tilly had told her, but Tilly was often quite unscientific in her statements. It was only logical to seek more definitive data, even from a science as soft as psychology.

And Michael was put out. She should not be in upheaval. Nothing significant had happened. Technically. Things happening in alternate timelines that none of the participants remembered should not count. They certainly should not affect her. So why did they?

“You danced with him,” Lieutenant Stamets had said. The look on his face had been curious, so soft and… tender? Something akin to pity had painted wrinkles on his forehead where he was drawing together his eyebrows. “It looked like you were enjoying yourself.”

An inquiry into his mental health had been on the tip of her tongue. She did not look like she enjoyed herself. She was Vulcan. But her classmates had always thought she had never managed proper emotional containment. Maybe others shared their beliefs. But she soon forgot, because after some hesitation, he continued.

“He kissed you.”

After that, he had been swept away by his partner, never to explain further. And now, those three words were haunting her, repeating over and over in her head. _He kissed you._ Not a word about her reaction. But maybe the fact that Ash Tyler had even gotten as far as kissing her was hint enough. Had she not wanted it, it would not have happened. Her reflexes had been honed in prison, to the point where it took shockingly little provocation for her to nerve-pinch someone. She had been caught unawares. Once. Never again.

 _He kissed you._ It infuriated her. She was as Vulcan as a human could ever hope to be. She was not supposed to care about things such as this. But she could not not care. There was a burning sensation in her chest. Ash Tyler had kissed her, and she could not remember. _You looked like you were enjoying yourself._

Had she been? Had she truly been enjoying herself? That, at least, she could begin to imagine. Ash Tyler was interesting. Very much so. He made conversation effortlessly, fluidly filled the awkward pauses she often caused. He asked her opinion, and listened when she answered. Not once had he called her “weird” or “strange” or “freak”. Instead, he smiled at her. When she was around him, she was at ease – a novelty.

And the Lieutenant? “I’m just sad we missed our first kiss,” he had said.

Oh, how this whole situation tempted her to curse. So many things might be implied in that statement. That he wanted to remember kissing her. That he thought he would have liked kissing her. That he wanted to kiss her again. That he _expected_ to kiss her again. And she was not sure what to think of this, not sure at all.

Wanting to remember it, that she could empathise with. She did too, if only to be able to dissect the data. To know the circumstances in which it happened, although something told her it might have somehow intersected with the dance.

But what if he did want to kiss her again? Would she want him to? Harshly, Michael expelled the breath from her lungs and sat up in her bed. This was not going to work. She was not going to be able to fall asleep at this point. Maybe, after a few laps around the ship, she might have more luck – however illogical the concept might be. Superstition could not possibly make things worse for her. In fact, she had read that it usually comforted humans. Sometimes, she regretted her Vulcan education. It had closed as many doors as it had opened for her.

As quietly as she could, she slipped on some workout clothes and sports shoes, and left the room. Running usually cleared her mind quite effectively, so the hope remained that this time, it might work, if even just half as well.

But once she had gotten a rhythm going, her thoughts wandered again. Mental discipline was clearly eluding her at this moment. What would it be like, kissing someone? After all, she had never done it. Never in this timeline, at least. What would it be like? Would his lips be soft on hers? She had never paid close attention to them, when she had had the opportunity, she had always been focused on the conversation. But even if lips looked soft, did that mean they would _feel_ soft? Tilly had once talked about a giddy feeling in her stomach. What did giddy feel like – and would she feel it? Michael imagined that that non-regulation beard he had might be abrasive. But she had never touched a man’s beard, so that was pure conjecture. So many variables…

The shock that went through her when she collided with someone was proof enough of how deep she had been in thought.

“Michael?”

It was Ash Tyler’s voice speaking her name. And it was Ash Tyler’s voice speaking her name that did something strange to her lower intestinal tract. A strange, heavy feeling settled deep in it – and Michael did not like just how much it resembled fear.

“Lieutenant Tyler,” she replied, modulating her voice to sound even. Inflection often gave too much away. And with humans, one encountered the additional risk of misinterpretation. That much, at least, she had learned in her years among them.

A quicksilver smile crinkled his face. “I think the late hour should be reason enough to drop the rank, don’t you?”

Michael did not. Rank was an important marker of identity, at least on a ship, and formality was maintained for a reason. But nonetheless, she bowed her head.

“Very well.”

That again gained her a smile. It was curious, she thought, how little impetus was needed to make Ash Tyler smile at her. It was illogical, she thought, how much Ash Tyler smiling at her made her want to smile back.

At this point, their interaction had again entered what Tilly called the _awkward staring and silence-phase_. And for the first time, Michael understood the moniker. It truly was awkward, and it only worsened the peculiar feeling in the bottom of her stomach.

Finally, Ash Tyler took pity on her inability to conduct small talk. “So how come you’re up right now? And running, for that matter? I mean, this can’t possibly be your normal schedule.”

Michael felt her cheeks begin to heat. “No, I… I was just… I could not sleep.”

It was humiliating. He was affecting her, it what way she knew not, and he had to see it. Why did he have to see it? She did not want him to. She did not want anyone to see anyone affecting her – it was improper. Sarek had expended a great amount of effort on her education, she should have control over herself by now.

Mr. Tyler, perceptive as he was, took a step back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to intrude.”

“It is alright.”

“No, it isn’t. You’re fresh out of prison, just like I am. Even if those were nothing alike, that still must be… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” He looked remorseful, maybe even distressed. Curious.

“You need not worry. My difficulty has nothing to do with my time in prison.”

“Oh. Can I ask what it is, then?”

Well… Well. She should have seen this coming.

“I…” Did she have to give an answer to this? No, of course she did not. The problem was that she kind of wanted to. She would like to just tell him and see what he would do with that information.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,” Ash Tyler was already closing back in on himself. “I know I come on strong, but I really don’t want to put pressure on you.”

“If this is your definition of pressure, perhaps you should rethink your career.”

Immediately after the words have left her mouth, Michael feels cold dread wash down her back. She had not intended to say them out loud. Her control was slipping – to quite a great degree. But before she could apologise for her forwardness, Ash Tyler had already started to laugh.

“You really are something, Burnham.” His face was soft like this, unconcerned. Beautiful. It looked like lights were dancing in his eyes. Mere reflections, of course, but the effect was… striking.

“Burnham,” she repeated.

“What?”

She cursed herself for her lacking control, then shook her head to dispel his concerned facial expression.

“I am still not quite used to calling beings by their family name only. It is not a custom I grew up with.” Clans on Vulcan could be so great that doing this would be confusing.

“What’ve you been calling me in your head, then? I mean, it can’t have been _Lieutenant Tyler.”_ Her silence gave him pause. “Please tell me it isn’t.”

Michael allowed herself a minute smile. “Ash,” she said. “Ash Tyler.”

Again, that smile. “Well, Michael Burnham. Would you like to join me for a mint tea, then? My Ma used to make me one when I couldn’t sleep as a child.”

She should not want to say yes that much. “Yes.”

“Would my cabin be alright? I mean, you don’t have to, of course, but…”

His hopeful eyes tore at something in her. It was as if they were pleading on his behalf that he not be left alone.

“Yes.”


	2. Chapter Two

“You could just call me Ash, you know?” Ash Tyler said. He had his back turned to her, his fingers working on the buttons of his replicator.

“In what context?”

“Oh, just in your head. Or to my face, if you want to,” his tone of voice was light, but Michael knew enough about human interaction to not be fooled by it. This was important to him. But she could do this for him, she thought. What was a name, after all, if she was already not addressing him by rank?

“Alright.”

He whipped around, almost tipping over one of the steaming cups now standing on the countertop. “Really?”

“Yes, Ash.” It took a lot of effort to retain her cool façade after saying that. Her stomach… felt weirdly full with an unspecifiable but good feeling. Was this what giddy felt like? Most likely not, the way Tilly had said it seemed to imply a need for movement, and she was quite content sitting down. But maybe this way related. And it was radiating. Her arms felt strangely warm. Why did her arms feel warm? They had nothing to do with this. Upon further consideration, though, neither did her stomach.

“Thank you.” It almost looked like he was blushing. Could he be?

“Are you bushing?”

That question, abrupt as it was, made him stop in his tracks. Immediately, she worried that she might have gone too far, but he quickly recovered, and set one of the cups he was carrying on the table in front of her.

“There you go,” he said. “This isn’t one of the flavours that they ever perfected for a replicator, so it’s a bit off, but… maybe it’ll still help.”

Michael nodded. The smell entering her nostrils was a bit chemical. But it also smelled comfortingly medical. In addition to that, the heat of the mug brought her just a little bit closer to the temperature that was Vulcan normal. She missed the heat. The corridors of the Discovery were quite cool to her, and prison had been even colder.

“And yes, I am blushing.” That statement seemed to embarrass him, and possibly made his cheeks darken even further. _Fascinating,_ to use a word often said in her family. Was he embarrassed because he had been blushing? Was he embarrassed because of the reason behind his blush? Why was he blushing in the first place?

She was not forward enough to ask those questions, so she asked the next best thing. “So how did the simulation go today?”

Captain Lorca had finally realised that even though the vessel they were on was an exploratory one, there was a frankly alarming number of confrontations. So a simulation had been run, to figure out the weak points that would be exposed in a situation where hostile elements might actually enter their ship. Manning battle stations was one thing, but most beings on the Discovery, especially the Ensigns, had only ever taken the most basic of self-defence courses. And the look on Ash’s face strongly implied that it had not gone well.

“We’re utterly unprepared for any event involving physical confrontation. Those people… They’re scientists. They can’t fight. They don’t even _want_ to fight. It’s…” He raked a hand through his hair, frustration practically bleeding off of him. “It’s dangerous. And it can’t continue like this! We run into Klingons on an almost weekly basis. It’s hard enough for a trained fighter to even survive an encounter with one of them.”

A shudder ran through his frame. It occured to Michael that he might be reliving painful memories, but she did not know how to help him, how to even ask if he wanted help. _Encounter_ is one word that could be used for what happened to him. She did not know all of it, but the Captain had implied. Heavily.

“Favourite of one of the Klingon women there, lucky bastard. Saved his life.”

Michael was not exactly sure whether Ash thought of himself as _lucky._ Whatever that woman had done to him, her being Klingon did not bode well.

“Not all of us are defenceless.” This was true, but she only said it because she had nothing else to say.

“Not all of you were raised on Vulcan by badass Ambassadors, though. You probably had an advantage even on your old ship.” He smiled softly.

“I needed an advantage on my old ship, I was First Officer. Combat skills are important in that field,” she pointed out.

“True. But you have kind of needed your skills here too, haven’t you? And all those other guys _need_ that stuff. They’ll be dead in seconds if they ever meet a Klingon. We can’t afford that. There are crewmembers who we literally have no replacement for. What happens if one of those dies and we could’ve prevented it?”

That was indeed true. There were several officers working with the spore drive whose abilities were unique among the staff. Losing any one of them could prove catastrophic. And preventable deaths were always… preventable. Anything preventable should be avoided at all costs.

“So they should undergo additional training. Do you plan to start a program?”

Ash stalled by taking a sip of his tea. The twitch of his eyebrows made Michael think there was something wrong with it, most likely the taste. Was this how he showed displeasure, in that minute an expression? His happiness he showed openly, but this… In this he was almost Vulcan. She had observed him before, modulating his negative response to one of Lorca’s more outrageous statements. It might have been a character trait of his for a long time, but Michael rather suspected it was a reaction to the torture he had suffered at the hands of the Klingons. Joy was not likely an emotion they had evoked.

“It’ll be difficult. I’m new on this ship as is, most of the senior personnel don’t trust me – you should hear them talking. And security has never been a priority on the Discovery, so there aren’t even a whole lot of officers who’d be qualified to instruct classes in a program like that.”

“It is their job to trust you. If you have reason to doubt them, you should point out to them that disciplinary action can be taken against them.”

Her stomach churned in indignation. Insubordination like that, especially towards the Chief of Security, was dangerous. While this vessel was technically still on an exploratory mission, Starfleet was still a military organisation. It heavily depended upon command structure. Orders had to be obeyed, or chaos would break out.

“True, but not the issue here. I would need several qualified officers willing or able to conduct classes several days a week. There are hundreds of people on this ship in need of those classes, Michael. And I have only five officers who could do that, six including me. And that’s just… not enough.”

He looked pained. This… this really had to be weighing on him. Those beings... most of them were complete strangers to him, some of them were openly mistrustful of him, and yet he still cared. He cared about every single one of their lives, and not just because it was the job he was assigned. It made her want to reach out.

“Then you could schedule the courses so that they take place one after the other. Prioritise on who needs them the most, and let those go first. You could… work out a routine for them to go through on their own on days when the courses cannot take place. And if you wanted me to, I could help. Surely, my _badass_ Vulcan close combat training would be… handy.”

Ash’s laugh rung out, a jubilant sound, almost wild. All too quickly, he had himself under control again, and nervously looked in the direction of his door. When he was sure that no immediate retaliation for the racket would follow, he gifted her with a brilliant smile. This resulted in her feeling what she could only describe as _squirmy._ Distasteful as that term may be, it was the only one that fit.

“Badass indeed,” he said. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Michael could not help but smile at him. She felt warm and tingly all over. Giddy, she thought. Yes, Tilly had a point. This did make her want to move. The way his eyes widened made it even worse. And then the silence that followed…

Why was Ash not talking anymore? He was just looking at her. Surely he did not think that was especially conductive to whatever conversation it was they were having. Should he not do further planning for his classes?

“Ash?” she asked, suddenly unsure of what was happening. His eyes were so intense. They – was he looking at her mouth? Suddenly, fear spiked in her stomach. Did he want to kiss her? Now? Because that… that was much. Too much. Much too much. She could not… No.

But she watched him shake his head and focus again, and that look was gone. “Sorry. You’re usually on Alpha shift, right?” He waited for her to nod. “So what would you say to 1800, Mondays and Fridays?”

“That would suit me just fine,” Michael replied. “Would you… Would you like to meet up after Alpha shift tomorrow to go over the details?”

It made her nervous to even ask. Particularly because she knew she was asking because she wanted to spend time with him, not because she needed to work out a schedule. This was improper, she knew. But she also knew what he’d said. _I’m just sad we missed our first kiss._ It could not still be improper if he was interested. Could it? After all, she was not propositioning him for sex. The frisson of fear that sent down her back was not something she wanted to consider at the moment.

Ash smiled a private little smile at her, as though he knew the motive behind her question. “I’d like that very much. Maybe that time, you’ll actually drink the tea I make you.”

Now, she is the one blushing. “I apologise, I…”

“No, it’s okay. I did distract you from it quite a bit.” He hesitated for a short moment. “Would you… could I maybe… Ah, forget it.”

Michael cocked her head. All those feelings in her stomach were whirling. If he was nervous about this, then how should she feel? Should she be even more nervous?

“If it is important, you should say it.” There, that should be sufficiently encouraging.

“It’s not important.”

Huh. “Is it important to you?”

Ash went quiet at that. “I’d like to spend some of my time off with you, and I don’t know how to go about asking you.”

Oh. “Oh.”

Michael’s sympathetic nervous system went into overdrive at that. Her palms got clammy, her stomach swirled, her respiration increased. It almost felt like her heart beat faster, but she knew that could not be.

Ash, she observed, leaned forward in his seat. “Are you okay?”

There was no control behind her nod, the shaking of her head way too rapid. But it was all she could manage at the moment.

“Alright. Just… What I said is all I meant. I just want to spend time with you. Nothing else. There really isn’t anything you need to be afraid of.” He almost looked scared. But what about? Was it really only her rejection?

“I would like to spend time with you too. I am just not certain that I would be able to be… entertaining.”

Amanda would say she was being brave right now. She was baring vulnerabilities, something she had barely ever done voluntarily. She would like Amanda to tell her she was being brave to her face. Too much time had elapsed since she had last seen her mother. Too much time since she had last been hugged. _Maybe one day, Ash will hug you,_ a voice whispered in her head. It took all the discipline Michael had to pull herself together and remind herself that one did not ordinarily have voices in one’s head. And if one did, one should seek out the advice of a psychiatrist.

Ash smiled again, relieved. “You don't need to worry about that, really. Tomorrow? We could do some planning for the self-defence thing and then maybe… watch a movie?”

“That sounds acceptable.”

Ash laughed. “Some time, you’ll need to teach me the ways of Vulcan understatement.”


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me over a month to update this. But I hope you'll still enjoy it!

“Oooh, this is so exciting!” Tilly had crowed as soon as Michael had finished her summary of the things that had happened the night before. They had been sitting in the mess hall at the time, and the rest of Tilly’s lunch would never be eaten. She had wanted every single detail.

“Oooh, this is so exciting!” Tilly was crowing now, as Michael was running a comb through her hair. It was after Alpha shift, so it would follow that she had to start on her way to Ash’s quarters soon. _Nothing else,_ he had said. So why was she now so apprehensive?

“You two will so totally get it on tonight,” Tilly squealed, bouncing her behind on and off the bed.

Michael closed her eyes and took a deep breath to fortify herself against the fear that trickled through her body at that statement. Different beings held different standards and practices _,_ she reminded herself. Tilly was imposing her own on her, but she meant well. Nobody would be getting on anything this evening. Or was it “would be getting anything on”? Colloquialisms had never been her strong suit.

Some of her internal monologue must have shown on her face, because Tilly suddenly deflated a bit. The bouncing stopped, so that the Ensign was now just sitting on her bed, looking at her feet.

“I’m sorry, I always forget. I didn’t mean to… You probably don’t just have sex with people. Not that you couldn’t, but, you know, personal preferences. People are different. I just meant to say, he’s hot and you’re visiting him in the evening, and you’re also hot, so that could totally work out. Or not. I… I’m sorry. Forgive me? Please?”

Michael smiled. Her roommate had always been a bit too afraid to offend, she was terribly high-strung. And a bit insecure – that was something she was going to have to work on if she wanted to succeed on the command track.

“Everything is alright. You do not need to worry, I am not offended. You mean well.”

“But…” Now, Tilly looked slightly hysterical. “He’s traumatised. He has to be. All that prison, and the Klingon woman, oh the rumours I heard. Terrible, the poor man… And I just suggested you should have sex with him! Who knows if he would even want that after all he’s been through? Oh, I’m a terrible person!”

Tacitly, Michael kneeled down before her friend and pried her hands from her face. “I am sure Lieutenant Tyler would know you did not speak callously – and he will never know. Now, would you please calm down?”

Tilly nodded at her, wide-eyed and finally silent. When Michael was sure she was fine, she stood back up and moved to stand in front of the mirror again. It was inane, really, but she wanted to look good. Orderly, at the very least. Tilly had offered to put make up on her, but seeing as the unfamiliarity of it would only have made her more uncomfortable, she had refused. And so, Michael smoothed her hair down and back one last time before wishing her roommate a nice evening and exiting their quarters.

No matter what she had said, Tilly’s words were swirling around in her head. Ash Tyler was likely traumatised. This was not something she had considered before, not concerning a possible relationship. But it was something she would have to consider at length – and likely talk to Ash about, should its relevance increase. She felt sleazy for it, but for just a moment, she was relieved – this meant he would be less likely to pressure her. Not that he would have been _likely_ to pressure her had he not experienced what he did, not necessarily. But he might have had. People pressured her all the time. Tried to get her to _broaden her horizons._ The men in prison had. Her colleagues on the Shenzou had. Even Tilly had, good-naturedly and unwittingly.

Saying no was difficult. Each and every single no could result in one further ostracising oneself. And Michael was already solitary enough. But not saying no could result in truly uncomfortable situations, she had learned.

“Just tell them to go screw themselves, okay?” Amanda had told her when her Vulcan class mates had “invited” her along on a desert expedition they knew her different physiology was not equipped to handle. “You don’t have to use those exact words, but sometimes, it’s important to get their essence across. No one has the right to demand something of you that you can’t or aren’t willing to give. And if they do, you have to tell them to stuff it, because usually, they won’t get it any other way.”

Michael had followed this advice religiously during her time in Starfleet, and fanatically during her time in prison. She did not do anything she did not want to do, at least not in her free time. Orders could mess with the system, she had discovered, so she did not count them. But what about a situation where she did not know what she wanted? Where she might not even be aware of all the options open to her? It was in times like these that she desperately regretted her resolution to not call Amanda in a bid to spare her more heartbreak. She would really like to hear her opinion on the matter.

In front of the door to Ash’s quarters, she stopped in her tracks. It was illogical, but the proximity had just made her nervousness increase. But there really was no way for her to delay the inevitable, she knew, and so she just knocked – two times, prim and controlled.

She heard Ash give the voice command, and then the door opened, and she was grateful to notice her nerves had not gotten worse yet again.

“Come in,” Ash said.

So she did, stepping forward and assuming parade rest just inside of his quarters. The lieutenant was sitting at the little table that came with officer’s quarters, looking for all the world friendly and relaxed. There were no lines on his face except for slight crow’s feet around his eyes – he was smiling. His frame was relaxed too, hands in his lap, legs stretched out in front of him. He was at ease. He was at ease with _her._

This was somewhat overwhelming, but Michael retained her composure and felt herself relax in turn. Nothing about this was threatening. They were just Michael and Ash, meeting up to discuss ship’s business because she had offered. Maybe they would watch a movie afterwards, who knew?

When she stepped closer to the table, she saw that there were a few padds strewn across it already – it appeared that Ash had begun working in her absence.

“Yeah, I already started,” he said when she asked him. He had the good grace to look sheepish – but then again, she should not care. So why did she?

“Have you worked out a curriculum?”

He nodded, and pushed a padd in her direction. “I thought it’d be best to teach fleeing and hiding first, maybe along with evasive manoeuvres. Meanwhile, we could instruct them to go to the gym more frequently, and improve their physical condition. I want them faster and stronger, and for many of them, it appears, that might not be difficult. All Starfleet personnel are supposed to be in good shape – someone needs to tell them that there’s a difference between ‘not fat’ and ‘fit enough to outrun someone hostile until we beam you up’. Seriously!”

He looked agitated, lines now marring his forehead. Again, she was struck by how much he cared. He was not angry at the crew – he was scared for them.

Careful, her heart pumping, Michael reached out a hand and laid it on his arm. “Intervening now will much improve their situations. Lives will be saved.”

It did not quite sound right, not consoling or appeasing enough, but it was true. The better a Starfleet officer was trained in self-defence and martial arts, the better their chances of survival. It was statistically proven. Ash’s program would therefore be an important contribution to the continued health and, on top of all, survival of the members of the _Discovery’s_ science department.

“They’ll hate me for it,” Ash groaned.

Michael felt the corners of her mouth twitch. “They will survive it.”

The double-entendre in those words, hovering in the air between them, calmed them both. Michael was a bit disconcerted by the affection in Ash’s eyes as he looked at her. But it also warmed her somehow, so she stayed silent. This was complicated – way more complicated than Amanda had always said.

“It’ll just feel right,” had been her exact words.

Michael did not know what to do with them. This did not feel _right._ She was constantly nervous, fretting about inconsequential things, scared of what might be to come – that could not be _right._

She sighed. It would be so much easier if she could write this off as the brand new discovery that smiles could cause endothermic reactions. But alas, that was not possible.

And so they further discussed his curriculum, the different courses and shifts he had already planned out, presumably while Tilly was hyperventilating.

The very fact that he had already planned out pretty much everything, however, posed a bit of a dilemma for Michael. They were finished working after just thirty minutes. She had calculated that it would take them at least an hour, more likely an hour and a half. In that time, she would have been able to acclimate herself to him a bit more.

But now he was sitting there, all the padds stacked into a nice little tower in front of him, and grinned at her.

“So… Holovid?”

Michael could not really do anything but nod, overwhelmed with the situation. The couch Ash motioned towards was rather narrow, standard Starfleet issue. Sometimes, their economy was a bit inconvenient. Would she have to sit very close to him? Would he take exception if she did not? She could not really imagine he would, but she could also not have imagined she would be watching a holovid with him not too long ago.

Wondering whether there even was some sort of protocol for situations such as these, she carefully sat down on the sofa. But Ash really did not seem too concerned with what she was doing or how she was doing it – rather, he wanted to know what she was thinking.

He had, rather endearingly, prepared a list of vids he wanted her to choose from. The fact that he had done that showed he knew her. A bit, at least, because she had not even heard of one of the vids on the list.

He ended up choosing, somewhat embarrassed, and so now they were watching what was – apparently – a classic. They were sitting on the very opposite ends of the couch. This meant that they were a mere arm’s length apart from each other. And Michael was tingling with it.

The room was dark, and so very small. This was intimate, and they were not even touching.

Michael wanted to be touching. She wanted so much. Sitting down so far from Ash had been a stupid idea. It had, most of all, prompted him to also sit down far from her. His intentions had been good, of course. He was only respecting her boundaries. Sometimes she wished he did not, at least not so much. It might be easier if he did not.

In the dark beside her, Ash chuckled. “Are you thinking again?”

“I am always thinking.”

He inclined his head. “Doesn’t make it easier for you, does it?”

“No.” She sighed. “But what am I to do? I cannot stop.”

“Don’t I know it.” He was running his hands through his hair now, looking at her with a smile in his eyes. “It’s running, for me. Running makes it stop. Is there anything you do?”

“I meditate,” she said. It came out so quickly she surprised herself. “But I run, too. I ran into just the other night, remember?” She felt daring, speaking like this. _Flirting_ , Tilly might call it. Briefly, she considered trying to act more coquettish. But it was a stupid idea, that could not possibly end well – it would just make her appear ridiculous.

The grin that was on his face now looked downright delighted. “Sure do. So what are you so deep in thought about?”

Immediately, Michael’s systems went into overdrive. Her face heated up. Why was it that these questions always made her so restless? It simply could not be her own hesitation and hang-ups.

She accepted that she had feelings and she accepted that feelings were sometimes illogical. But usually, she could at least name the feelings she had. This was… New. Strange. _Exciting._

So she decided to take the plunge. “You.”

“Me?” Ash’s comically wide eyes were a clear indication that he had not expected this.

“You. You are very far away.” Michael’s face was burning now, but her stomach was settled. A strange calm was spreading all throughout her body, as if to reward her for her bravery. Or stupidity. Sometimes, the two were indistinguishable.

He looked careful now. “And you would like me closer?”

Michael nodded, unsure of what he would do with this. There were quite a few options in realising a word like _closer._ Not all of them could be called “innocent”. The mere idea of assigning blame to concepts, rankled, of course. Yet, it was the only way she knew to say this.

Ash, however, merely smiled and moved a bit closer to her. He did not reach out to touch her. He did not try to kiss her. He did, though, extend his hand, and let it lay on the couch with the palm up.

 _An invitation,_ she thought.

It was an invitation Michael took. Carefully, she lowered her hand over his. What she was expecting, she did not know. Whatever had she been afraid of? There had been nothing to be afraid of.

It was somewhat anticlimactic, in a sense. Nothing world-changing happened. But his hand was warm under hers, and the skin contact made her whole arm tingle. And then he Ash smiled at her and intertwined his fingers with hers.

Michael almost forgot to breathe. Still, she smiled back. Then, she turned back to the projection where the small protagonists had just arrived in a town full of long-haired Vulcans. She did not understand it, just as she did not understand the need to destroy jewellery. But she did understand that Ash was right beside her, holding her hand, and that he enjoyed it.

And so she sidled closer until their shoulders touched.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so I'm trying to write again. I can't promise to succeed, but I do promise to try my hardest to update this at least semi-regularly.
> 
> Also, I will purposely continue to not watch any new episode before having finished this, because I don't want them to influence the storyline I have in mind.
> 
> So if you still wanna read this: Yay! I'm happy you do. Any kudos or comments you decide to leave make my day, but really - just the number of people who have read this by now is astonishing to me, even if it's comparably low.

A few hours later, when the credits were rolling, Michael was confused for several reasons. Partly because she was sitting so close to Ash and it still did not feel close enough. But also because…

“That cannot possibly be the end of this vid.”

Ash laughed softly. “It is, but it isn’t the end of the story.” His eyes were on her face again, always straying from it – as if he were attempting to keep himself from looking, but failing. It was adorable and, at the same time, terrifying. He looked almost shy now, the confidence he had exuded in the beginning was gone. Michael felt like this should probably be a problem for her. Instead, it reassured her. She was not the only one who found this situation difficult. This was good to know.

“I do not understand what you mean by that,” she said.

Now, Ash almost looked embarrassed. “I might have not been playing fair. This is the first of three movies. The story is only complete when you watch all three.”

“And you were hoping for me to join you for another two nights, I presume?” Her cheeks were heating up, but she paid it no mind. The little smile on Ash’s lips demanded all her attention.

“Yes,” he said simply. His eyes were so wide Michael asked herself whether she truly seemed so aloof to him that she would not want to do that. Was he really that surprised? Granted, Tilly also had a different picture of her than she herself did, but that picture was wholly different. The Cadet seemed to expect Michael to be what constituted ‘normal’ to her. Could it be that Ash thought the opposite, or something close to it? Had she acted in a way that this way conceivable? Certainly, she was quite removed. That much she knew. But towards him? Michael was all too aware of how differently she acted towards him. She smiled more when she was around him. She blushed a lot. She was unsure of herself, but she pushed through it. She even let him see her insecurities. So he really should not be able to think she was not at least affected by him.

“When?” Asking that question made her stomach clench, but she was beginning to think that maybe this feeling she was feeling was not a bad one. Maybe it was a very good one.

“Tomorrow?” It sounded like a question, but Michael had learned with time that uncertainty would change intonation. So she nodded.

“I would be pleased.” This was the first time in a long time, she felt, that she was using that phrase in honesty. All too often it was out of mere politeness that she uttered it, because it was expected of her. Finally meaning it felt like a personal victory. She had achieved something for herself. Enjoyment. And just like that, Ash was smiling again, and she along with him. Warmth was diffusing her. She felt relaxed, and safe, and… happy. This was a good thing.

“Cool,” Ash said. His hands were in his lap, fidgeting with the hem of his regulation shirt. Michael knew this probably meant he was anxious about something. Should she be aware of what this was? Should she ask? Human social protocol was exhaustingly difficult at times – questions were either stupid or prodding, silence desired or abhorred. Tilly would ask, that much Michael did know. Ash had always seemed to get along with her rather well, so…

“Is everything alright?” His eyes honed in on her face at what seemed like the speed of light, and her stomach sunk. Maybe this was a question that she had not been supposed to ask. But he seemed to recover quite quickly.

“I’m just not sure if I’d be allowed to touch you, is all.”

Oxygen, all of a sudden, seemed to be hard to come by for Michael. It seemed like it had been sucked out of the air. Even her quickened breath pattern could not make up for that. She scolded herself for her foolishness, of course. Her physical reaction had nothing to do with her environment and everything to do with Ash – whether she liked it or not. His answer did not make sense to her at first. Despite his still fairly recent experience, Ash Tyler seemed to be a tactile being. He touched people all the time. When he was making conversation with them, when he was instructing them, in greeting, even when he was just passing them. Ash Tyler touched people a lot. Just not her, right this moment.

_“You danced with him.”_

_“He kissed you.”_

In that alternate timeline, he had touched her. And even now, his concern seemed to solely be permission. Was it really as simple as that? Could she say that she was okay with him touching her, and he would? Truly, this was all a bit much. But still…

“You are,” she said. Her throat felt strange, as if there were something covering her vocal chords, and it was affecting her voice. The words coming out of her mouth sounded muted to her, not like herself. What would this mean for her? What would this mean for them? Was there even a “them”? Michael was not sure, did not know at which point humans usually negotiated this. She also did not know whether it tended to be an individual decision or one made together. But really, she need not have worried. Ash simply smiled at her broadly, and lightly touched her hand where it lay in her lap.

“Thank you.” She smiled, uncontrolled, so broadly that she could feel it crinkle the corners of her eyes. The warmth of his skin on hers was… exquisite. It was like an anchor point her whole focus narrowed down to. It was a connection. She had not had many of those over the course of her life. Something deep within her desperately wanted to latch on and never let go. And she wanted to let it, she really did – but it would be unwise. It would also, potentially, be unwanted. Ash was yet to say just what he wanted from her. He also did not need someone clinging to him on top of all of his other problems.

Seemingly oblivious to her inner turmoil, Ash just returned her smile and laid his hand over hers more firmly. “You should probably get back to your cabin. Tilly might have a heart attack if you stay here any longer.”

“Of course.”

Michael had completely forgotten about the cadet. But she supposed he was right. Tilly might well be vibrating with impatience – the woman had been very excited for her. Doubt nagged at her, though. She did not want to go. Going would involve leaving this room she felt so comfortable in. It would mean Ash would not be touching anymore. Still, it was necessary, and so she began moving away from Ash, extracting her hands from his grip. He rose with her and escorted her to the door. This, Michael felt, was a most unpalatable situation. She wanted to stay, but knew not how to say it. She wanted to return, but was afraid she might not be invited. She wanted him to touch her again, but did not know whether she would be able to bear it. How did humans live with this on a day-to-day basis? It was so confusing! It was terrifying. The one thing Michael had always been wary of was uncertainty. Uncertainty bred itself, and insecurity and doubt and several other more or less synonymous things. It was hateful.

By the time Ash had reached the door and was looking back at her, however, he also seemed a bit dissatisfied with the situation.

“Will I see you again?” he asked.

“We are together on alpha shift tomorrow.” She felt like a fraud, struggling to maintain eye contact. A smile flashed across his face.

“We sure are. But I really just wanted to know if you’d want to repeat this with the second vid. There’ll be more pretty elves and illogical walking – you’ll enjoy yourself.”

The feeling bubbling in her stomach felt like what she thought laughter might feel like. She conceded a little smile, but nothing more. “I am sure I will.”

“As in you’re saying yes?” So this was what humans meant when they were speaking about emotions being infectious. Tilly, she was sure, would already be squealing. Michael herself felt like venting something might be a good idea right about then. The pressure on her intestines must be imagined, but, illogically, that did not stop her from feeling it.

“Precisely.” She was feeling the very opposite of precise at the moment. She felt, as Tilly would say, all over the place. “For when would you like to arrange the next meeting?”

Ash smiled again, and she was proud of herself. She was contributing to the conversation, showing initiative, being engaged. Humans liked this in their conversational partners. And Ash liked it in her, it appeared.

“Tomorrow?”

 _So soon?_ “So soon?” she asked.

The second the words were out, they mortified her. But there was no taking them back.

The hesitant look on Ash’s face mortified her even more. “I’d really just like to spend as much time with you as I can. Unless you’re uncomfortable. I wouldn’t want to force myself on you.” His own words made him flinch, and Michael had to press her eyes shut to be able to concentrate on the matter at hand and not think about the reasons behind that reaction.

“One can feel uncomfortable in situations that one nonetheless desires to be in.” Her words were stilted, even more so than normal – as they always were when she was feeling out of her depth. But they were words, and hopefully, they would make Ash understand.

“I’m sorry, I don’t get it.” Or maybe not. “Do you mean that I make you uncomfortable?”

“It would probably be more accurate to say that I make myself uncomfortable in your presence,” Michael hedged. “It is through no wrongdoing of your own. This is simply a situation I have never been in.”

Now the look in his eyes was almost bordering on pity, which made her think that he had understood. “Strange men luring you into their cabins to drink badly synthesized tea and watch ancient, nonsensical vids?”

She nodded, amused. “Exactly that.”

“Well,” he said. “I guess you’re just gonna have to get used to it.”


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There ya go, I actually managed to update within a week!
> 
> Also, can we note how crazy it is that people are still reading this and this fic now almost has a thousand hits? I love you guys.

The grey wizard was now a white wizard, and Michael was going to lose her patience with fictional magic soon. Not that there was any real magic in existence. But that was not the only problem - the other problem was how close Ash was sitting to her. He was sitting so close that she could feel the heat radiating out from him. And it made her want to touch. Oh, how much it did.

Ash, contrary to her expectations, had not touched her, even though he had asked for permission just yesterday. And she had given it. So why was he not touching her? Was there something wrong?

“You can take the initiative, you know,” Tilly had said that morning, a pro pros of nothing. And Michael guessed that was a statement that could apply in this situation. But how did one go about taking the initiative? Specifically: How did one gather the courage?

She had already deliberated just reaching out to him, but had then encountered a question: Did she need to ask his consent? She had not been given it yet. He had asked her, but it had not occurred to her in that moment that she might need to do the same. He was traumatised. She would need to respect that. The question was in what way she needed to respect it.

So what should she do, just ask him if he could come closer? If he wanted to? Just the thought was daunting. She wanted, that much she had admitted to herself, but she was not sure she could admit it to him.

“Intrigues among wizards are too much for you, huh?” Ash’s voice ripped her out of her reverie.

She almost flinched away from his voice in surprise, and could only just contain her reaction. Flinching away from him would not be good, it could be interpreted the wrong way.

“Yes,” she said, because it was the easiest answer. Nothing about it was compromising. And Michael was very compromised.

But Ash still noticed that something else was occurring. “That’s not all though, is it?” A small smile was skirting the edge of his mouth. When she did not answer immediately, he slid even closer to her on the sofa and nudged her with his shoulder. “Huh?”

Michael’s face was burning. “No, it is not.”

“What is it, then?” His eyes were not magnetising, of course they were not. That was scientifically impossible. But it felt like they were. She could not look away. “Is it me again?”

He was pretending to joke, she could tell. He wanted to make it easier for her. And she appreciated it, she truly did. So she said yes. His smile was radiant, but it felt almost understated. His eyes were shining bright, but it still felt like he was holding back. Which was only fair, she supposed. After all, she was doing the same. Even if she should probably stop doing it.

“I want you closer.” There. That was being brave, was it not? It was a step towards taking the initiative.

Ash’s eyes flitted over her face, seeming to search for something. Then, he slid closer to her, so they were right next to each other. Their thighs were touching, and it felt new and exciting. “Like this?” he asked.

It felt new and exciting, and yet she wanted more. So she closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and took his hand in hers. This way, it was easier to focus, eyes closed, just feeling him. The skin of his hand was dry against her, and a bit rough. Tilly had her on a rigid moisturising regime, which meant that her hands were, to quote the cadet “smooth as a baby’s butt”. A strange simile.

Her eyes snapped open when he moved his hand, thinking he was trying to withdraw and that she had done something wrong, but he was simply turning it around to link his fingers with hers. Still, she turned to look at him again, and to ask. “Is this alright?”

Ash nodded. His eyes were wide again, fixed entirely on her face. In addition to that, his breathing had deepened, just as hers. His thumb was stroking hers, and she shuddered at the sensation. This was intimate, no matter the culture she had grown up in. While it was true that she had only ever seen this done on Vulcan once, she herself had only ever done this once. And it had been awkward, not nearly as exhilarating.

The Lieutenant’s other hand moved to rest on her forearm, heavy and warm, somehow becoming a focal point for her attention. It was divided now between his hands, his leg against hers, and his eyes fixed on her face. He was staring, and had been for quite a while. There was no denying it now.

She did not know what to do with this. Tilly had a theory that staring somehow related to kissing, but Michael was not so sure about that. On the other hand… _He kissed you. You looked like you were enjoying yourselves._

Did she want him to kiss her? She was not sure. She wanted more, ached for more, but kissing… She had no experience with it. What if she did not like it? What if she was bad at it? So much of her life had passed by now, surely Ash expected her to be at least somewhat proficient.

“Do you want to kiss me?” The question was out of her mouth before she could censor herself. But, she supposed, that was a good thing. Better to know than to agonise over it. This, of course, did not keep her face from heating up in embarrassment.

Ash’s eyes grew even wider in surprise, and he laughed. “Wow. You are certainly direct.”

“I apologise if I am breaching a boundary.” She forced herself to hold his gaze.

“No, it’s alright. It’s… Yeah. Yes, I do. Want to kiss you, that is.”

 _Oh._ “Oh.”

“Is that a good _oh_?” he inquired, now starting to look nervous. He was smiling still, but anxiousness was creeping into his facial expression.

She allowed herself a fond smile. “I fear I might not have been ready for either possible answer. It is… I am not experienced in these things. I do not know how to proceed with this knowledge. Or how I want to proceed. It is confusing.”

“Oh.” This was obviously not what he had been expecting, as he looked quite taken aback.

“I apologise.”

“No, don’t. It’s alright. I just don’t really know what to say to that beyond _do what feels right_ , and that seems insufficient.”

“It would be sufficient if I could be sure what felt right.” Every single thing she could think of simultaneously made her feel right and cramped. Cramps were never a good thing. Or could they be?

“Well, does this feel good?” he started moving his thumb again, caressing her hand.

She nodded, enjoying the thrill of the little shiver the touch caused.

“Then we’ll continue doing this for as long as you want. And if you want more, you can simply tell me.”

“But I do.”

Ash’s eyebrows shot up.

Embarrassment made Michael bow her head, avoiding his gaze. If she was going to do this, she could not look him in the eye. The two were mutually exclusive.To calm herself down and gain some time, she balled her hands into fists and then stretched her fingers again.

“I do want more. I simply do not know what I want. It has proven impossible to determine so far.” Her face was burning hot, and once again she was thankful for her dark skin tone. Were she as fair as Tilly, she would appear bright red by now. Still, she supposed, her face had to appear darker than it usually did. The blood boiling in her cheeks gave every indication that this was the case.

“Oh.” Surprise was not the only emotion painted on Ash’s face anymore, but she could not tell what the rest was. Detecting such things truly was not her forte.

“So would you want me to take the first step?” he asked.

Did she? This was a good question. There was a swooping feeling in her stomach at the thought of what this might entail - which Michael took to mean that she should answer in the affirmative. Just…

“Not now. If that is alright.” She waited for Ash to nod and smile before she continued. “If you would in the right context want to take further action, I would not be opposed. So long as it is not excessive. And-,” and here, she took a fortifying breath, “I feel I should mention that I have no expectation beyond that you act of your own free will. Should you not wish to… further our interactions, you should not feel obliged to do so.”

His face, which had closed off more and more during her little speech, was as smooth as a lake now. She would have taken this for a bad sign, had she not seen the colour spread on his own cheeks, warm and appealing, and hinting at more.

“Okay,” he said. “As long as you tell me if I’m doing something you don’t like.”

“I assure you that I will.”

This made him smile. “Well, alright, then.”

His fingers drew a little tighter around her hand, but he turned his eyes towards the holovid again. When Michael did the same, she found that whatever nonsense had been happening in the vid before was now being aggravated by _talking trees_.

Ash laughed at the indignant noise that escaped her control. But she did not mind. Because, even though she was not on Vulcan, she was warm, inside and out.


End file.
